In 2020 I was a mom of two boys aged 15 and 21 at the time. Life was good. I had been with my fiancé, Phill for 6 years and we were just having fun together, enjoying trips away and lots of socialising. My sons were at an age where they spent more time with their friends.
From the very first date, Phill and I had spoken about children and the fact they he didn’t have any but that he would like to. I was already 39 but it wasn’t something I ruled out. As the relationship went on and I was feeling the joys from being a free spirit, I thought about it more and more. I got to a point where I just felt I couldn’t. The thought of putting my body through it again and the risks to mothers in older pregnancies, I just couldn’t.
Phill was gracious about it. He showed understanding and said as long as we were together, he is happy. I never anticipated it was me who was going to struggle more with this decision. He was a great support to my sons which made me question myslef even more because I could see he would make a wonderful daddy.
Time went on and we continued to enjoy life. Secretly though, I was still thinking about it every single day, constantly debating the idea and how it would affect our lives and if I even wanted to go back to square one in my life. I used to say to friends I could see myself as an older mom which I felt was an odd thing to feel. My nan had a baby at 40 and that was in the 1960s. One of the major thoughts I often had was how could I possibly have a baby and work the hours I do. I knew how I felt when I had my boys and back then I worked part time so I could balance my life as a mom putting them first as much as possible. Now, I was working full time in a stressful environment.
Then lockdown came. This is when everything changed for me. My life was thrown on its head! First, I was furloughed and then eventually I was made redundant. So I did what I knew best, I looked after my family which filled me with so much joy and reset me, I now see looking back. I also had time to reconnect with my sons after what had felt like a tough few years for other reasons. From the romance of the summer air and being in a bubble with my family, I decided I could, have a baby that is.
The conversation with my fiancé was a moment I’ll never forget. He looked like a rabbit in the headlights when I told him I am now ready to do it. He was both excited and scared. Time was a little critical because I was now 44 years old. I had a coil at the time and there were no in person doctor appointments allowed due to lockdown. However, due to my age, it was deemed as urgent so I went along and had my coil removed in the June of 2020.
By mid August, I was pregnant. I could not believe it. I did the test only days after missing a period and there it was, 2 blue lines. The weather was beautiful as you might remember. I secretly filmed me revealing the positive pregnancy test to Phill. It was such a beautiful memory and we were so excited but we decided not to tell the boys just yet. This turned out to be a good choice.
By October, I had miscarried just over 6 weeks into the pregnancy. That’s when the reality set in. I had not thought about these scenarios. Who does in all the excitement of such a mammoth decision. I had never had a miscarriage but I accepted that this was not the right egg and picked myself back up. It took me another 6 months to get pregnant again. The excitement was less this time after our previous loss but we tried to relax and let be. The pregnancy was going well then we received devastating news at our 12 week scan and the tests that followed. Our baby had Edwards Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and was severely affected. At 14 weeks we were losing our second baby. This time we felt the full impact of it. After this loss, I started to lactate as my body clearly registered that a baby was birthed and did what is was supposed too. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. This time, it was different. We needed to decide what was the right thing to do going forward. Do we continue and accept that I had taken enough and the emotional impact on us both was enough or do we keep trying. I took time and decided I could not leg go now. We felt sure, third time luck as they say.
It took my body and my mind time to heal and 12 months later I pregnant for a third time. Two blue lines now represented anxiety and what if’s. We kept it ourselves and we took care of me. This time there were many tests, an early scan, a blood test which is most reliable and the 12 week scan and then the 20 week anomaly scan. Everything was positive but we still didn’t feel positive. Eventually, I told myself that I don’t want to look back and remember a sad pregnancy so it was time to relax and let mother nature do the rest. I took extra care of myself, ate well, rested lots and tried to stay active. Truth be known though, I was happy to sit and chill the days away. I felt really good in myself but ran out of energy so quickly. That was a big difference from my pregnancies in my 20’s.
So, all went well and our little girl, Maeve was born on the 19th December 2022. Magical Maeve is what I call her and more recently, mischievous Maeve.
I am writing this with a now 15 month old who fills our family with joy. She is just delightful. Do I love being a mother to a baby again, yes! Has it been hard, yes! It’s been hard on my body (still breastfeeding), on my mental health (FOMO) but in other ways, it has been extremely positive. I am now self assured and nurturing my own inner child. I no longer worry about whether I should anymore. We both feel like life has been reset and it has a whole new meaning.
Reparenting after 40 